unicorns are jocks

The title of this post may confuse some (most?) of you. At least some of the four people that actually read this blog. Unicorns are jocks? WTF? Jocks are supposed to be all meatheaded and testosteroney and stuff! Unicorns are candy mountains and rainbows and shit! They're just a bunch of twinkle fairies, right? WRONG.

a twinkle fairy

Unicorns are beautiful. Their manes are flowy and rainbowy. When's the last time you saw a fat unicorn? Never. They're all buff and cut. They're fast. You know they're fast because they can fly around. You can't fly slow, that's just aerodynamics. No, you shut up, I'm gonna be a doctor so I know physics, OK? Unicorns are also strong. This is because they're obviously related to horses, which are strong animals. We don't measure engine output in dolphinpower, we measure it in horsepower. Because they're strong, majestic beasts. Unicorns, being their cousins, are undoubtedly also powerful. Except horses can only hurt you by kicking the shit out of you or trampling you. Unicorns can stab you the fuck to death with their sharp horns.

Speaking of horns, they're phallic. So unicorns are literally walking around with a giant dick on their heads. Pretty jock-y to me. Most importantly, you know unicorns are jocks because girls love them. In sum, unicorns- they're pretty, they're fast, they're strong and jacked, they're dickheads, and chicks dig them. Unicorns are fucking jocks.

unicorns are fucking jocks